


You're the sound of a song (and I can't get you out of my head)

by dragonscanbebeaten



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Love Confessions, Almost Dying, Angst, F/F, HYDRA sucks, I'm Sorry, Mind Games, Reader Is Badass, So so so much angst, Violence, but oh the angst, hopefully fluff to come, natasha and clint star as your best friends, sorry - Freeform, the "yelling I Love You when I'm mad" trope, the woes of love, update
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-03-30 09:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13948563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonscanbebeaten/pseuds/dragonscanbebeaten
Summary: You, badass Avenger, loyal teammate, and current idiot who is in love with Wanda Maximoff. What will it take to show her that you love her? Maybe almost dying for her, but when that backfires (don't wanna say I told you so but), you have to navigate the waters of heartbreak while living with Wanda in the Avengers tower and working with her on missions.Come say hi at @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodauthor on tumblr :)





	1. Chapter 1

The smell of gunpowder filled the air as bullets flew by your head. The halls of the compound you were in were dark. The shouts of Hydra agents carried to your ears, mixing to create a violent hurricane of noise.

Natasha Romanoff had been ordered to infiltrate a Hydra base to gather intel and bring it down from the inside. She had been sent in undercover but soon people started getting suspicious. Why was this person poking her nose where it didn’t belong? Questions were not good for Hydra, they thrived off of the knowledge that they were unstoppable. They thrived off of the complete loyalty of their agents. And when someone new comes along, someone who they don’t know, all heads turn towards the anomaly. So Fury had called it in and you were now in the middle of extracting Nat. 

Wanda rushed from behind a group of barrels to kneel next to you. Her eyes flashed red as she used her powers to take out some of the Hydra soldiers that had you pinned. Her brows knitted together when she saw the dark stain of blood on you. You had been shot in the upper arm. Luckily, it hadn’t hit anything important and upon tying a makeshift bandage around your arm, you found that the pain was the worst thing to deal with. Being a SHIELD agent and part of the Avengers helped with that last part. You shot off a few bullets towards the Hydra agents, keeping them in their position while you figured out what to do.

Steve, Thor and Tony were finding Nat while you and Wanda secured their escape route. The compound was big, but you were so close to the exit that you could feel the air getting colder with every step that you took. Bruce was waiting in the jet, ready to take off any minute. You glanced at Wanda. Even though her hair was ruffled and she had bruises on her face, she still looked beautiful to you and for a second you forgot where you were before you were abruptly brought back to reality as Wanda fell to the ground with a yell.

You knelt next to her, panicked. “Wanda!” Blood was rushing out of a bullet hole in her abdomen. It had hit her before she could deflect it. You felt anger rise in your chest and it flared when Wanda whimpered in pain as you tried to stop the bleeding, placing your hands on the wound while you could find something to put pressure on it. You radioed the team, firing bullets at random spots to stop the enemy advancing. 

“Wanda’s been shot, she can’t keep fighting.” Steve and Tony answered immediately, notifying you that they were coming as soon as they could.

You frowned as you held your hand to Wanda’s stomach. 

“No, you have to get Nat out, I’ll help Wanda.” 

You were met with a chorus of arguments but you cut them off. This mission was too important.

“Look, I can get Wanda out, you have to find Nat. That’s the mission. Finish it.” 

You knew you were gambling a lot on your abilities as an agent but there wasn’t much else that you could do.

Unknown to Wanda, you were prepared to protect her with your life. 

You managed to help Wanda stand and she put her weight on your shoulder. Her eyes closed in pain. 

“Wanda, can you walk?” 

You panted as you shifted her weight more comfortably. There were more agents coming and you had to get out of there before you were surrounded. You felt some weight lift off your shoulder as Wanda replied.

“Yes…yes.” 

You studied Wanda’s face before you sighed and rushed towards the exit as fast as you could with Wanda beside you. 

You reached the door and flung it open, cold air blowing in your face, pushing your hair back from your face. You could see the quinjet waiting for you and you pushed Wanda forwards. You could see Bruce rushing over to get her on the plane.

“Go. I’ll hold them off.” 

Wanda looked like she was about to argue with you but shouts cut her off as bullets peppered the ground at your feet and you both dived for cover. Wanda landed on top of you and you looked away, a blush creeping up your neck. You scolded yourself, focusing on the task at hand.

You helped Wanda up then pushed her ahead of you, towards the quinjet as Bruce reached you both. You looked out from behind your cover. Over a dozen Hydra agents were coming towards you, guns held in front of them. They began to fire towards Wanda who deflected some of the bullets. She was too weak to keep walking and defend herself at the same time. You rushed out from your cover and fired blindly at the agents. 

You hit five of them, still running. The rest spread out, you had to aim more carefully. Your arm hurt but you pushed the pain aside, focusing on taking the agents attention away from Wanda. You reached the first person, slamming him into the ground. The next enemy’s face met your elbow and you held another in front of you as a human shield. Bullets sprayed his chest and you dropped him as the agents threw their now empty guns down and pulled batons out. You ran at them, managing to take a couple more down before your side lit up in pain. You fell to your knees as you looked down at the multiple holes now appearing red with blood. You could see that more agents had arrived before you could find cover. They ran towards you.

Punches and kicks were being dealt to your face and torso. The ground rushed up to meet you as the agents continued their merciless attacks. The snow covered ground was cold as your face landed in the whiteness. You covered your body with your arms and legs, trying to stave off the worst of the blows. You faintly registered the yells of your teammates and heard Wanda’s yelling in the background. 

She was safe. 

You closed your eyes as the pain washed over you in waves, the ground becoming a pillow as you lost consciousness. 

She was safe.

 

\----------------

 

Wanda paced anxiously outside of your room in the hospital area of the Avengers Tower. Steve sat down against the wall. You had been in surgery for a while. And the whole time, Wanda had stood outside, questioning anyone who came or left on your condition. Fury had to actually order her to get medical attention for her wound when the team first arrived back.

The others came at different times to be with Wanda, bringing her food and water and watching the door while she slept. The damage that your body had taken was a lot. Three bullets had hit your side and another hit your shoulder. You also had mild internal bleeding from getting kicked and punched. Your arms, torso and face were covered in bruises and lacerations. The doctors had said that it was a miracle that you had survived, with one of the bullets missing your brachial artery by less than an inch.

Wanda felt her gut twist and the water in her hand started to bubble in its cup. Steve rested his hand against hers. 

“They’ll be fine, Wanda, they’ll pull through. Y/N is a fighter.”

Wanda’s eyes glistened and her chin trembled. She shook her head as sobs threatened to escape her mouth. Her hand covered her face as she collapsed next to Steve.

“I should have… done something Steve. I feel useless,” Wanda’s tears were flowing freely now, “they’re in there because I couldn’t protect myself.” 

“Hey,” Steve said gently, “you can’t think like that. No one knew that Y/N would run at them like that. You couldn’t have done anything.” 

Steve put his arm around Wanda. “We all knew the risks when we went on this mission. Hell, every time we go out into the field there are always going to be risks.”

Steve pursed his lips as his eyes watched Wanda, he rubbed slow circles on her back. The only other person that Wanda had ever worried over this much had been Pietro. The grief still carried itself with her every day. Only now was she beginning to heal from the pain that his death had caused. But she didn’t know if she could handle losing another person she cared about.

When you had first met Wanda, you didn’t shy away from her. A lot of agents were wary of the fact that she had once fought against SHIELD, but you were far from it. You were the one who offered to show Wanda around and help her train. By the second week, you two were inseparable. You would comfort Wanda when she came into your room at night, having been woken by nightmares. You would talk for ages, often staying awake till Wanda fell asleep, her head in your lap, your hands running through her hair. As her breathing steadied, you would put a blanket over her and sleep on the couch you had in your room, not wanting to wake Wanda up. You didn’t care about the aches next day. 

You cared about Wanda. 

People had commented on you being such good friends but, lately, you had started to feel something more for your teammate. Whenever Wanda looked at you, your breath faltered for the shortest second. Whenever she smiled, you felt as though time slowed down. The reason for these feelings had revealed themselves to you when you had seen some sleazy drunk hitting on Wanda when Tony had thrown one of his famous ‘free for all’ parties. You had immediately become jealous. 

Going home that night, you had debated with yourself. You couldn’t be sure that Wanda felt the same for you; not wanting to destroy your friendship, you kept quiet. You were happy as long as she was. That was why you had risked your life for Wanda; you weren’t sure you could live if she died. No matter how many times you had denied it, you loved her. And she would never know.


	2. Chapter 2

Dr Cho had been brought in to help accelerate the healing process the next day. Wanda had been forced to leave to go on a mission. Everyone was worried about you but Steve thought they could use the distraction. The mission was quick and easy, minimal risk and the perfect thing to pass the time before you woke up.

You felt light shining on your eyelids as you slowly gained consciousness. The slow and steady beeping from various machines and the feeling of a needle in your arm told you that you were in a hospital. Or at least in a medical area of some sorts. The bright lights illuminated a stark room full of medical instruments, gurneys and hospital beds like the one you were currently in. The room was a SHIELD medical bay and for a second you were completely disorientated; until you remembered everything that had happened. You sat up abruptly; too fast. 

A small groan escaped your lips as you clutched your head, pain sending lighting bolts behind your eyes. The machine next to you started beeping faster, keeping in time with your heartbeat and a nurse came rushing into the room. You were scolded and pushed gently back onto your bed. The nurse warned you that you were still on strong medication and it would be a while before you could get up. You opened your mouth to speak, your voice croaky from days of not using it.

“Where is everyone?” The nurse, Carol (as her name tag said), smiled at you.

“They are away for the day but I’ll be sure to let them know that you have woken up.”

You nodded and lay down, letting the nurse look into your eyes and ears, and check all your vitals. 

You had suffered a lot of injuries and everyone was surprised that you had survived; judging from the condition you were in when you came into the medical bay. You chuckled when she told you that Wanda hadn’t left since you were brought in. The nurse left to get the doctor and came back with a young woman with dark brown hair and warm eyes. 

“Hello Y/N, my name is Dr Armer, and you, are very lucky to be alive. I heard all about your daring feat and I must say I am very impressed that you survived.” 

You laughed, but it came out as a more airy grunt.

“It seems like everyone is.” You croaked back. 

The nurse handed you a cup of water and you gulped it down gratefully. Dr Armer checked you over, making sure that you were stable and then you were told that you could leave only if you accepted that you would have to be in a wheelchair and you weren’t allowed to do anything physically straining. The accelerated healing may have helped but you still needed time for your muscles to fully heal. 

You were helped into a wheelchair and Carol pushed you to the bridge where Fury was. The door opened and the room was busy as usual. Fury was looking over everyone and you looked at the screens to see that he was overseeing the mission that the Avengers were on. Fury turned around and walked over to you, his face a blank slate. 

“I see you have wasted no time in getting out of bed Agent L/N.” You smiled.

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t leave you alone. SHIELD wouldn’t survive.” Fury huffed and you could have sworn there was a tiny glint in his eyes and a small lift in the corners of his mouth. 

You glanced at the screens again. “Where are they?”

“In Russia. Surveillance.” 

You nodded along as you read the information on the screens. Your hand went to your stomach as the pain throbbed. Fury noticed the movement and motioned for Carol to bring you back to your bed. 

\----------------

The next few days were so boring you would have done anything to get out. Thankfully the others were back quickly. They rushed into your room where you were in bed.

“We thought we would have to sell your organs!” Tony exclaimed when he reached you.

“Yeah, you sure you’re alright? We really need the paycheck.” Clint joined in on the joke.

“I already sold to another buyer.” You smirked at them. Steve stood next to you.

“We’re glad you’re okay, Y/N.” You smiled and nodded at everyone. 

“Fury’s not letting me do anything till I’ve fully healed but I can go back home tomorrow.” 

You chatted with the others until they could barely keep their eyes open. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow Y/N.” Nat put her hand on yours for a second then left with all the others. 

Before she could leave you called Wanda over. Wanda kept her eyes on the floor until she got to your bed. Her eyes were unfocused and she had dark circles under them. 

“Are you okay?” You looked at Wanda to gauge her reaction. 

She laughed, a short bark before saying quietly, “I think I should be asking you that question.” You chuckled. 

Wanda laughed along with you for a second before her smile disappeared and that same tense expression was back on her face. 

“I have to get back to the tower, I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N.” 

You nodded and Wanda turned to leave; taking one step before rushing back and enveloping you in a hug. 

Wanda’s voice tickled your ear. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

You hugged for long moment and then Wanda left you to sleep. You sighed and lay down. Something was bugging Wanda, you knew her well enough to know that. You made a reminder to ask her about it when you were standing.

\----------------

You woke up to the sound of rain hitting your window. Today was your first mission since you had been hurt. You pushed your blankets aside and walked over to your closet, putting on your uniform.

Walking out into the hallways, you saw that no one else was up. You walked into the training room and went to the punching bag. Wrapping your hands, the room was soon filled with the dull thuds of your fists hitting the bag with the occasional kick. You were listening to music, zoning out while you trained. When your arms became tired you moved to the obstacle course, monkey bars, jumps, climbing, parkour. Steve came in and nodded to you while he went to his usual spot by the punching bags, bringing his own because he always broke at least one. 

When you entered the common area, everyone was up and eating breakfast, you poured yourself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat. You felt eyes on you and looked up to find Wanda staring at you, her eyes darted from yours to her food. Your eyebrows knitted together and you shoved some food into your mouth with just a little too much force. Your coughing caused everyone to look over at you and you waved to let them know that you were fine. Your throat cleared and you avoided their eyes; ears burning as everyone looked at you. 

Wanda was avoiding you. When you had gotten back everyone treated you like nothing had happened. Except for Wanda, who was walking on eggshells around you. You had tried to talk to her about it when you were alone but she would always make up excuses. It annoyed you to no end and you hadn’t stopped trying to find out what was wrong. But Wanda had caught on and had avoided you completely after that. She had hurt you and the worst part was you had no idea why. You couldn’t understand what you had done wrong, hell, you hadn’t been around for you to have done anything anyway. 

\----------------

You sat in the quinjet sandwiched between Nat and Clint. The mission was simple, there was a small weapons manufacturer tied to Hydra and you were going to intercept a transfer. Wanda, Nat, Clint and Steve were going on the mission with you. The air was cold and you tugged your jacket tighter around your shoulders, lurching slightly as the jet turned slowly. You soon adjusted to the turbulence, albeit with a bit of a faster heart beat. 

Clint nudged you with his arm and you turned to see his eyes staring at you with concern.

“Are you okay?” You were confused for a second until you realised that you had been clenching and unclenching your fists for who knows how long. 

You shook your head to clear your thoughts and folded your hands in your lap.

“I’m fine, just didn’t sleep that well.”

Natasha scoffed and shook her head next to you. You turned to her. “Something to add, Nat?”

She turned to you and it felt like she knew your every thought. But last time you checked, Nat didn’t have any mind reading abilities. Wanda was the one that you had to watch out for, but she had made a promise that she wouldn’t use her powers unnecessarily. Nat pursed her lips and squinted her eyes slightly. 

“Your heart rate is elevated and you have a blush on your neck and face, and your eyes haven’t been moving from the same spot over near Wanda for the past 5 minutes.”

You stopped breathing for half a second, quickly regaining your composure. 

You whispered hotly to both of your friends, “There is nothing wrong. At all. I’m just tired, I told you,”

Natasha smirked and Clint chuckled. Wanda looked over at the noise and you both stared at each other, the awkwardness festering until one of you looked away. When she did, you huffed out a quiet sigh. 

Nat gasped quietly, “Wanda?!”

You elbowed her and clamped your hand on Clint’s mouth to stop him from repeating Nat’s words. You felt him trying to speak under your hand. 

“Uhh afagrutchom anda??!!” You glared at both of the agents and only removed your hand when Clint promised to be quiet.

Regardless, he still whispered to you as soon as you removed your hand. 

“You have a crush on Wanda?!” Nat and Clint both looked shocked but you silenced their questions.

“No, no, I don’t. At least, not anymore. I don’t… think? ugh! I don’t know. She’s been avoiding me so I guess that tells you all that you need to know.”

Natasha frowned. “But I thought you guys were really close.“ 

“Not anymore, ever since last mission it’s like I’ve got the plague. Honestly you’d think she’s scared of me.”

Clint glanced at Wanda quickly. “That doesn’t make any sense, I would have for sure picked that she liked you.”

However hard you tried, you couldn’t stop your heart from beating just that little bit faster at Clint’s words. But the anger you had felt earlier overcame that slight joy and you turned to whisper yell at your friends.

“I don’t care, I don’t care anymore, she can do whatever she wants. I just…I don’t,” you sighed, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Getting up, you walked over to Steve who was sitting and going over the mission plan. For the rest of the plane ride, you focused on the mission and nothing else.

\----------------

The plan was for you to split up and surround them while someone acted as the distraction. You volunteered immediately to distract but Steve had already chosen who would go where. Steve was with Clint and Nat was going to distract the targets. You realized that this left you with Wanda, and you turned to Steve to glare at him, making sure he knew you were pissed. 

The last thing that you needed was to be distracted by the situation with Wanda. But you guessed that Steve hadn’t gotten the memo that you and Wanda didn’t work as well together as you used to.

You were silent till you landed and then you only replied to Wanda in short, one syllable responses. 

The area was an abandoned car yard, with a warehouse to the left of it. You and Wanda were hiding near the warehouse while Clint was on the roof covering Steve who was ready to jump in. Natasha was hiding amongst the cars.

You settled behind the wall of warehouse. You heard cars pulling up, the click of a door, footsteps as they went into the building. Nat slipped out from behind you and walked casually in after them. You heard loud voices, telling Nat to stop. Then her calm, low voice asking if they knew where so and so was. 

The voices became agitated and then Steve spoke through the earpiece in your ears, 

“Go.” 

Silence.

Guns went off and you heard yelling as you and Wanda raced to the cars, heading off the people inside the building and taking out their reinforcements. There were 8 men awaiting you and Wanda. You both dived for cover, you went left, Wanda going right. bullets flew above your head as you crouched under cover. You returned fire and looked at Wanda. 

You signaled for her to cover you but she shook her head, her eyes hard and slightly glazed over with red. Before you knew it, she was gone from her cover, taking down half the men before she had to dive for cover again. “Wanda!” You raced after her, shooting two others before diving after her. 

“What the hell Wanda, what were you thinking!” You looked over your cover and shot agent. The last one came running towards you and you flipped the agent over, punching him in the jaw as he landed. You turned to Wanda as the others came towards you, pulling a Hydra agent in tow. 

“What the hell was that Wanda!?” 

You felt your body tense as Wanda turned towards you, failing at hiding her anger. 

“You can’t run in and expect me to stay back every time, Y/N!” You recoiled slightly, shocked and confused.

“I don’t! You do realize that we are a team and you can’t do something like that without telling me first!” 

Wanda turned to face you fully and her eyes were stormy, tears were hiding just below the surface of her anger. 

“Why would you run at them like?!” You stepped back. 

“What? What are you talking about Wanda?” 

Steve walked up to you, hearing the yelling and placed a hand on both of your shoulders. 

“Guys, calm down, you just-“ 

You pushed Steve off of you and stepped up to Wanda. 

“No, I want to hear this. What did you mean Wanda? I didn’t run at anyone…” 

It dawned on you as you finished your sentence, your mind flashing back to when you had recklessly run into the line of fire to protect Wanda. Risking your life for her own.

She confirmed it for you a moment later. Her voice was quieter this time. 

“When you saved me, you ran at them.” Wanda folded her arms across her chest, looking at her feet then back at you. Her lower lip trembled slightly. 

“You knew! You knew you were going to get hurt and you still did it!” 

Heat filled you and your cheeks burned. You silenced Natasha and Clint’s questions with a wave of your hand. 

“No I didn’t! I-” Wanda stepped closer to you, almost yelling now. Your head was throbbing with your heart. 

“Why did you do it! You could have found another way! You should have listened to orders! Why would you do something so stupid just for-” 

You snapped. Your mind blanked and you said the first thing that came to mind. Your voice broke as the confession flew out of you.

“Because I love you!” 

Silence.

You stepped back as you realized what you had said, one hand flying to your mouth. Wanda looked just as shocked as you. Her mouth was open and her eyes were wide. She reached out to you.

“Y/N.” 

Steve, Clint and Natasha were watching this play out and you felt your ears turn red as Wanda took a step towards you. 

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell me?” Tears stung your eyes and you angrily wiped them away. You couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Why do you think Wanda! You don’t feel the same way. You’ve been avoiding me, it’s not like I could just go up to you and say ‘hey Wanda, I know you probably hate me but I love you. Great! Done! Bye now!’” 

“Y/N, I don’t hate you.” Wanda’s eyes softened, tears welling in her eyes. She reached for your hand but you pulled away, tears threatening to fall and break the dam holding you in. 

“Then why did you ignore me?” Wanda looked at the ground and you felt another surge of anger.

“Wanda, just tell me!” Her eyes were wide and her voice was small, trembling when she answered.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt again. I thought that if we weren’t as close you wouldn’t risk yourself for me again…I’m so sorry.” 

You almost broke down then and there but you recalled all the times that you had woken up screaming and Wanda hadn’t been there to calm you down like you had done for Wanda. Screaming into your pillow when dreams of Wanda dying invaded your peaceful sleep. The fire that had started to die down inside you flared up again.

“That’s your excuse? That’s all you have to say?” You scoffed and turned to leave. Wanda grabbed your arm.  
“Y/N, I’m so sorry, please! Just let me-” You pulled away roughly.

“That’s not enough Wanda. Just…leave me alone.” Turning to Steve you took a deep breath and clenched your fists, daring him to stop you.

“I’ll make my own way back, it’s not far.”

You walked away with your eyes down, not daring to look at anyone. The embarrassment and sadness mixed inside of you to create a concoction of sorrow. When the others were out of sight you broke into a run, the sobs escaping your mouth. The world blurred as your heart broke. 

You fucked up.

So, so bad.


	3. Chapter 3

Arriving back at the Avenger’s Tower, you quietly walked through the halls to your room. You hadn’t gone straight back to the Tower, instead choosing to wander the city for a while, trying to escape from everything that had happened. 

Your chest ached so much, your stomach twisted every time your thoughts wandered back. Back to her, back to everything. 

You sighed, running your hands over your face and through your hair, pulling at the ends. The door to your room creaked slightly as you opened it, the familiar smell of home reaching your nose. It was dark, quiet. Everyone was asleep. Good. After what had happened, you would be quite glad if you never had to show your face again.

It was so embarrassing, being exposed like that. Hung on a hook for everyone to see. You clenched your fists, the anger slowly building. The pillow on your bed seemed to taunt you and you began blindly hitting it, hot tears running down your face. 

Sobs escaped your throat and you kneeled beside your bed. How had it come to this. You wanted everything to go back. You wanted Wanda to greet you in the mornings like she used to, talk to you like she used to. You didn’t want to have to face her in the morning, about anything, much less this. 

You eventually forced yourself to stand and go to your bathroom. The water running down your shoulders as you stepped into the shower didn’t sooth you as it usually did. Instead, the heat was suffocating, scratching at your skin. Turning the water to cold froze your limbs, but you didn’t care. You wanted the numbness. The feeling of ice spreading through your body was closer to comforting then the heat.

Maybe the coldness would make you forget everything, becoming numb to your feelings as well. You scoffed at yourself, looking at what you had been reduced to. All because of a stupid crush. All because you couldn’t control your feelings. 

You set your jaw, squared your shoulders.

The walls that had been brought down long ago when SHIELD had brought you in were being rebuilt. It had taken so much effort to let your feelings be heard, to allow yourself the freedom of just being you. But look where that had gotten you.

Stepping out of the shower you looked at your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes were puffy and they had a tiredness to them. You grabbed a towel and left the bathroom to get changed. JARVIS’ voice rang out into the emptiness, 

“Mx L/N, the debriefing for the mission you went on yesterday is in half an hour. Mr Stark asked me to remind you,” 

“Thanks JARVIS, tell the others that I’ll be there,” 

“Will do,”

You leaned your head back, stretching your neck. God, you wish you had more time to prepare. But, at least you didn’t have to make small talk, it was a debriefing. Nothing more. All part of your job.

You got dressed in your uniform and left your room, walking to the meeting room where the others were probably already waiting. 

The doors opened and you let out a breath that you didn’t even know that you had. No one was there yet. Looking at the clock, you saw that there were ten minutes until the debriefing started. 

Your heart was thumping as you took your seat in the room. God, why were you so nervous? You pulled at your hair absentmindedly as you waited for everyone else to arrive. Unfortunately, Wanda was the first to enter.

You looked away and stared hard at your hands as she took her seat. The air was so thick with tension that you could suffocate. It was almost like you could grab a fistful and throw it. You wanted nothing more then to turn to her and just collapse in her arms. 

But you kept your distance. You couldn’t let her have this much power over you just because you love her. You scoffed.

Love. You weren’t even sure what the hell you felt, but you sure as hell knew that you would stop loving Wanda if it was the last thing you did. You just wanted this to be over, you wanted to stop hurting. For God’s sake it was only a crush, why did it feel like you had just broken up.

You could see Wanda out of the corner of your eye. She was staring at you. Her eyes bore into the side of your face as you continued to feign innocence and pretend she wasn’t there. Hearing a sigh, you glanced to see Wanda looking at you with a pained expression. 

Her voice cut through the air like a knife. Slicing, painful. 

“Y/N, please just look at me,”

You didn’t turn your head, instead talking to the wall in front of you.

“Don’t,”

“Don’t what,”

You scoffed and finally turned to look at Wanda.

“Don’t act so wounded, like this is all my fault,”

Wanda’s eyes widened and her mouth opened.

“I’m not, I’m trying to get you to at least talk to me so that we can fix this. I just want us to go back to how things were when we-“ 

You stopped Wanda mid sentence, raising your hands.

“Stop! Stop with the ‘we’ and the ‘us’. There is no ‘us’, Wanda,” you spoke a little louder with each word, “stop acting like you can just fix this with a ‘sorry’ and everything will be fine, that’s not how this works!”

The anger inside of you threatened to spill out, to overcome you wholly. Wanda’s eyes shined with tears, about to fall onto her cheeks, the cheeks that you had spent so many nights running your thumb over to calm her down.

The walls inside you grew higher with each second. You couldn’t believe that Wanda had the audacity to even think that things would be fine if she apologised. 

You wanted things to go back to normal just as much as her, but it wouldn’t be the same ever again. Things would always be different. 

As much as you wished that SHIELD had a time machine lying around, you had to learn to accept what had happened. 

Before either of you could speak again, the doors opened. Steve, Natasha and Clint entered, followed by Fury. Steve and Clint sat in between you and Wanda while Natasha sat on Wanda’s right. 

You sulked for the entirety of the debriefing, barely speaking a word.

\--------------------------------

When Fury dismissed you, you were the first one to exit the door, heading straight to the training rooms to calm down. You tried all of the machines, every course, every combo, every jump, slide, kick, punch. 

But no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself that you were over it, you still had that feeling in your gut. Like you had been punched. Stabbed in your soul. 

You had never felt this way towards anyone, ever. Your whole life, there had never been room for love, never any room for feelings that could ruin a mission, that could cause a wrong move which would result in the death of a team mate or the loss of valuable information.

And you had done the exact thing that you had sworn you wouldn’t do when you joined SHIELD. You had let your feelings get in the way of a mission, and because of that, you had lost one of the strongest friendships you had ever had. Another mistake to add to the pile. You sat down on a bench to catch your breath.

You heard the doors opening and looked to see Wanda standing in the entrance, knotting her fingers together. Her eyes searched for yours. You turned away and grabbed your stuff, preparing to leave.

Footsteps sounded through the room, coming towards you. You felt her sit next to you and heard her inhale a deep breath before she started speaking.

“Y/N, please, just listen to me. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t even have to forgive me but please. Just let me explain,”

You stopped what you were doing and listened to Wanda, looking down at your hands that you drew into your lap. Wanda continued, her voice soft and trembling slightly.

“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did. I just…God…” Wanda put her head in her hands before dragging them through her hair, wiping a stray tear away. Her voice wavered more as she spoke, 

“Seeing you on the ground like that, taking all those kicks and punches, I felt so powerless. I just remember being terrified that you were never going to come back. I was scared and I thought that I knew how to fix it.

“I thought that if I kept my distance, that if we weren’t as close, I could make sure that you wouldn’t risk yourself for me. I didn’t think, and I hurt you, and if I could take it back I would but I can’t,”

Wanda grabbed one of your hands slowly, causing you to finally look at her in the eyes. 

“I am so, so sorry, Y/N. Please don’t lock yourself away from everyone. I…”

Wanda’s cheeks reddened and she looked down, letting go of your hands and turning away. Your hand was still where she had left it, grabbing at nothing. You cleared your throat and wiped at your eyes quickly before speaking.

“You…what? What were you going to say?”

Wanda glanced at you before clearing her throat, toying with the end of her shirt. 

“It’s nothing, I just, I was… I was just gonna say that…um…it’s nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore,”

You knew that whatever she was going to say was something important so you pressed on.  
“What? What was it?” She pursed her lips and you couldn’t help but look down at them, your cheeks blushing slightly as you quickly looked away.

Wanda pushed some of her hair behind her ears, the tips tinged red.

“I was going to say that you can’t close yourself off because, I need you. I think I’m falling in love with you,”

The air was rushed from the room as your heart skipped a beat. The silence was deafening as you froze at what Wanda had said. You weren’t hallucinating? This wasn’t a dream? You wished that you could have pinched yourself to check but you were frozen.   
Wanda noticed that you weren’t saying anything and she went to move, to leave you alone. Your heart was thudding in your ears. As Wanda began to stand you grabbed her arm, pulling her in until your lips touched. 

Fireworks went off behind your eyelids. Wanda’s lips were soft and your head spun as she began to kiss you back, her lips moving against yours. Her hands linked behind your neck, burying in your hair. You broke apart, resting your foreheads together, breathing in each other’s scent. 

You smiled, Wanda started to laugh too. She leaned in for another kiss before enveloping you in a hug. You could feel her tears staining your shirt from earlier and you hugged tighter. Wanda whispered in your ear as she hugged you.

“I’m so sorry,”

You pulled back, confused.

“What do you mean,”

Wanda held your cheeks in her hands as she began to fade. You were confused as you tried to keep her where she was but when you tried to hold her your hands went straight through. Your vision spun and you felt ice go through your veins, your heart racing. 

“Wanda!” You yelled as she smiled sadly at you, disappearing before the world went dark.

\--------------------------------

You gasped for air as you sat up straight. You were tangled in fabric and you struggled to free yourself before falling off of whatever you had been lying on. The ground was wood, it looked familiar and you were confused until you realised where you were. 

Your room was dark. It was night. The blanket around you was damp from your sweat. Your clothes were cold as they clung to your skin. 

It was a dream. You felt your heart ache at the memory of her lips, your fingers touching your own in remembrance. You stood up and went to the bathroom to have a shower. You must have fallen asleep as soon as you came home from the mission and dreamt everything. 

Replacing the sheets and changing your clothes, you lay back down in bed and tried to sleep. Thoughts of Wanda floated around your mind and you couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. Even though it had been a dream, it still felt so real and you found yourself wondering if that was really how her lips felt.

You slept restlessly, waking up throughout the night, yelling Wanda’s name over and over. 

But each time you did, she still wasn’t there.


	4. Chapter 4

The harsh light of the sun burst into your room, piercing through your eyelids. You squinted, raising your hand to shield your eyes. You were lying on your stomach and you rolled over to look at the clock on your bedside table. It read 6:36, just after sunrise. 

You sat up slowly, shaking the fog from your mind before freezing. How could you know whether this was a dream or not? 

You had been experiencing such vivid dreams these last few nights that you were always on edge now, not sure what was real, what wasn’t. You sighed, pinching your arm to make sure that you were awake.

It started to leave a bruise each time you pinched the skin, the same spot each time. You stood and got dressed. The team was having a group training session today, something about needing to act more in unison. You weren’t exactly sure, having been half awake at the last briefing. 

Wanda had noticed your tiredness; along with the rest of the team. Steve had raised the issue with you yesterday evening, just as everyone was heading to bed. He had been worried about your lack of focus. His eyes had searched yours, trying to find some sort of answer in their hazy depths. 

You had lamely replied that everything was fine, it was just the healing of your wounds. He had immediately apologized and recommended the doctors. 

That was one excuse that you couldn’t use again. Not without raising suspicion. The truth was that the Avengers were the only thing keeping you sane right now and if you lost that then you might never recover. You had to keep what was happening a secret, or Fury might pull you from active duty. 

You walked to the meeting room, the last one to enter. Everyone turned to look at you before you sat down but you avoided their eyes. 

Fury briefed everyone with a new mission that you had to go on. It was in prime Hydra territory, top secret. He then dismissed you to go train before the mission. 

Tony and Bruce had programmed a new course for everyone to try. It was supposed to be hand tailored to everyones strengths; and weaknesses. 

You all left the training room with a multitude of new bruises and aches in your muscles. 

It was a few hours before you all had to leave for the mission, so you planned to hide in your room until it was absolutely necessary for you to face everyone. You had just thrown yourself onto your bed when you heard a knock on your door. 

You groaned, pushing yourself up and calling out. 

“Who is it?”

A muffled voice responded.

“I have a message from Dr Armer. She wants you to come in for a final check up before your mission,”

You stood up and opened your door. The messenger stood waiting for you, holding a notepad in his hands, on it the message from Dr Armer. 

“I had a final check up before the last mission,” 

“You did. But uh, Dr Armer, she uh, she wants to do one last checkup. Just to make sure that everything is fine. We also need to do a blood test, the last ones I uh, I dropped,” He seemed nervous but you guessed he was just feeling worried about telling you that he dropped your last blood tests.

You sighed, nodding for him to lead you to Dr Armer. As you were walking, you almost wanted it to never end. Just keep walking down the hallways forever so that you didn’t have to face any of your problems ever again. Stifling a yawn, you spoke to the messenger.

“So, what’s your name?”

He glanced back at you before turning another corner, opening a door and ushering you in.

“Jacob-” he pointed to a medical chair in the middle of the room “-just take a seat and I’ll prep you for the tests. Dr Armer will be here soon,”

You nodded and sat down, wiping your hands on your pants before placing them on the armrests. Jacob walked over with a needle and a band to go around your arm. He tied it around your bicep and felt for your vein.

“So,” you started “are you a nurse, or a doctor, or what?”

Jacob smiled slightly, answering.

“Doctor in training. Hopefully,” He pushed the needle into your arm and held it with his finger, using his other arm to grab a vial of clear liquid.

“This shouldn’t hurt too much, just try to relax,” You nodded and leaned back. You felt a warm-ish pain spread through your arm and looked down to see the liquid disappearing into your skin. Your hand began to itch slightly and the warmth began to burn.

“What was that?”

“Just something that I created. It’s made from the venom of a tarantula eating wasp,” 

You looked up quickly. What.

Jacob smirked, stepping backwards. You went to stand but your legs gave out and you collapsed on the floor. The pain was moving through your whole body now. You legs were numb.

Your breaths were coming in ragged gasps now as you struggled to stand. What was happening? You reached for Jacob but he stepped neatly away from your attempts at catching his legs. 

You groaned, rolling over, heaving in big gulps of air as your vision began to blur. You needed to call for help but you couldn’t move let alone shout. All that came out of your mouth was a whisper.

“why…” 

Jacob knelt next to you, grabbing your collar and pulling you up slightly.

“You see, Hydra always thought you had the most potential,” Your heart skipped a beat when you realised who you were dealing with. Jacob continued, dragging you to the chair again.

“Sure, you aren’t the most powerful, but you’re the most loved. The others trust you. They believe in what you say,”

Your whole body was numb now and you could feel yourself slipping away. You prayed that someone would see you. Jacob sighed, leaning on the chair slightly as you slowly lost consciousness.

“We have so much in store for you,”

————————

Steve looked over everyone who was seated in the quinjet, mentally counting. He frowned, searching the area. Walking down the ramp towards the tower, he turned slightly to the others in the jet.

“Where’s Y/N, they should be here by now…”

Natasha looked up from her gun and glanced around. Clint and Wanda both stood up and searched the landing area.

You weren’t there.

Wanda eyes went hard and her lower lip wobbled slightly, all the worst things that could have happened to you flashed in her mind. And they were all because of what had happened between you two.  
Taking off towards the tower, she called to the others to tell them that she was heading to your room. She ran the whole way there, adrenaline thudding through her veins while her stomach did somersaults like it was a professional gymnast. 

Reaching your door, she pushed it open and burst in. It was empty, you weren’t there. She caught her breath and called for JARVIS.

“JARVIS, where’s Y/N?” She paced as she waited for the answer.

“Agent L/N left their room an hour ago with another person, heading to the medical bay,”

Wanda’s brows knitted together.

“Who did they leave with?” 

JARVIS paused as he searched his database.

“The person is not part of SHIELD, they are not in my database, security footage is corrupted after they enter the medical area,”

Wanda ran out of your room and to the control centre, she rushed in and radioed Tony from inside the quinjet. 

“Tony, JARVIS said that Y/N left their room an hour ago with someone who isn’t in the database, they went to the medical bay but then the security footage cut out,”

Tony’s voice crackled over the speakers.

“Have you checked the med bay?”

“I’ll go now,” Wanda turned and headed off towards where she hoped you would be.

The rooms were just full of everyone but you, Wanda searched every room, every inch of the med bay but she couldn’t find you. She could feel tears threatening to fall and her heart was racing faster with every minute she didn’t find you.

Wanda entered a room that was set apart from the rest. There was no one inside, it was just a medical chair and a table of equipment to the side. Wanda was about to leave and tell the others that she couldn’t find you when she noticed that something wasn’t right.

Everything looked like it had been pushed aside and hurriedly packed away. Frowning, Wanda looked closer and saw something on the floor next to the chair. She knelt down and picked up your favourite watch.

Tears pricked at her eyes as she felt it in the palm of her hand. You never took it off. A million thoughts were going through Wanda’s mind, all of them ending with you being lost from her grasp forever. 

She ran to the quinjet, carrying your watch like it was the only thing keeping her alive. The others stood when she arrived, Bruce looking at her with a frown.

“I found this in the med bay,” Wanda held out the watch and Clint took it, holding it in his hand before giving it to Steve and turning away, putting his hands on his face. He ran his fingers through his hair before turning back around.

“Y/N would never take that off and just leave it there, they wouldn’t do that they just wouldn’t,”

Steve turned to Clint,

“But why would someone take it off of them and just leave it there,”

Natasha answered Steve as she walked towards the controls of the quinjet.

“Maybe they didn’t take it off, maybe Y/N did. What if they left it as a message to us?”

Wanda nodded, taking the watch from Steve and giving it to Natasha.

“You trained with them here, maybe you can find something on it,”

Natasha nodded and went to work. The others waited nervously for something, anything. Natasha opened the back of the watch and asked JARVIS to scan it for anything in the wiring.

“It appears that there is a small chip buried in the watch, it may contain something in it,” 

Everyone crowded around Natasha as she took the watch apart to get the chip. It was barely the size of the nail on her pinkie finger. She plugged it into the database and told JARVIS to show anything on it.

A video of you came up. The air in the cockpit was stifling, the tension so thick. Natasha was frozen in shock. Bruce leaned forward and pressed play.

You started to speak.

“My name is Y/N L/N. If you are watching this video, then…well…I guess I am not there right now. Or I died and you just randomly found this at my funeral or something,” You chuckled before continuing, your face becoming serious,

“If you are watching this, I have been captured and taken without the knowledge of anyone else. I wish I could tell you who did it but I don’t have psychic powers. I made this to tell you about a tracking device that this chip is linked to,”

You held up your hands, “And yes, before you say that we already have tracking devices because SHIELD made us, it probably doesn’t matter. If whoever captured me managed to sneak into SHIELD without detection, they would probably know about the tracking devices too,”

“I made another one incase the first was taken out and destroyed, the chip this video is on is linked to it. That way you'll be able to locate me. Hopefully while I am still alive,”

You sighed,

“I’m sorry that you have to watch this.” The video ended with the last frame of you frozen in place, your eyes staring at your team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha  
> I'm sorry, I would love to say it gets better but you never know :'''')


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst town™ my dudes.

You woke up shivering. Your whole body was freezing and you felt numb. Tony must have forgotten that there were actually living people other than him that need heat as well. 

You tried to curl inwards to warm up but you felt cold metal on your wrists and ankles. You froze, only now realizing that it wasn’t dark in your room but bright light was shining through your eyelids. 

Squinting, opening your eyes revealed a room that was definitely not yours. It was stark grey. Quiet. Sterile. There were no windows and only one door. You were strapped to a table in the middle. You lifted your head to look around but the movement was stopped by a strap holding your head onto the table. 

Your heart began to beat faster, adrenaline flooding into your system as you began to remember what had happened. You needed to get out, tell someone where you were, do something. They wouldn’t leave you alone for very long. 

Hydra was ruthless, many of your friends had been lost to their experiments and torture rooms, much like the one that you were currently in. 

The breaths you were taking were getting harder and harder to take and your chest felt tighter and tighter with each passing moment. You had to hold out as long as you could. You hoped that someone had found your watch and the video you had left on the chip inside. 

Hopefully they would come before it was too late. Before Hydra could break you, turn you into their weapon, a puppet help up by strings that you didn’t control. Whose sole purpose was to destroy everyone you cared about.

Your spiral into panic mode was cut short by the door to the room opening. Three people walked in, Jacob was one of them. You glared at the wall, refusing to look at any of them. One of them that looked like he was permanently grumpy started to speak.

“You know where you are?”

You continued to stare at the ceiling, clenching your jaw. Grumpy sighed, continuing.

“I see how it will be. Well, Hydra has plenty of ways to make you obey,” His hand rested on your hair and you tried to jerk away but you were trapped. Another hand felt on your arm for a vein and your doubled your struggles but they were too strong. The other man found what he was looking for and inserted a needle into your skin.

Electrodes were now being attached to your body on various places. They were cold on your skin and they only caused more goosebumps to appear on your arms.

Grumpy spoke again when they other two had finished setting everything up.

“Do you know why you were brought here?” You refused to meet his eyes, instead turning away as much as you could and staring at the walls, the ceilings, anything but his piercing gaze.

The man pursed his lips, nodding to one of the men who began to flip switches. You saw him press a blue button.

White hot pain spread through your body as soon as he pressed the button. You could think of anything but the burning that seemed to overwhelm you until you felt like you were nothing but pain. You were vaguely aware of someone screaming, a high, raw sound.

It ended abruptly. You gasped on the table, heaving in deep breaths as tears automatically fell from your eyes in response to the pain. Your whole body prickled, like your feels leg after you sit on it for too long. Not quite pins and needles, but almost there. 

Grumpy now put his hand on your arm.

“I’ll repeat my question, do you know why you were brought here?”

You argued with yourself, most of you wanted to spit in his face, scream, claw at anything that got near you. But there was another, tiny, minuscule part of your mind that was screaming to do everything that Hydra wanted you to do. You pushed that part aside.

Turning to Grumpy, you spat in his face before he could react and get out of the way.

“Go to hell,”

He chuckled, “I believe I am already going there, but there’s no reason that I cannot take you with me,”

He pressed the same button and your body lit up like a bonfire yet again, your screams echoing through the room. Hours, days (who knows how long) later, you were thrown into a cold cell, shivering and alone. Your body was so weak that all you could do was drag yourself to the metal bed in one corner and curl up on it, wishing for the others to come as soon as they could.

————————

Wanda grabbed the Hydra agent by the front collar, shoving him into the wall behind him in the alley that they were in.

“Tell me how to get to them!”  
“I don’t know who you are talking about!”

Wanda drew back her wrist but Steve rushed in and grabbed her aside while Natasha and Clint dealt with the agent.

Steve grabbed Wanda’s shoulders and pulled her to face him.

“Wanda, you know we don’t do that, what happened?”

Wanda set her features like stone, looking at the ground to avoid Steve’s imploring look. 

“Nothing happened, I just got distracted,” 

She knew that that was a feeble excuse, but what could she say? That every waking moment she spent not looking for you, she was thinking about you; Thinking about what they were doing to you?  
That every night she barely slept? That she was on the verge of collapse because they still hadn’t found you? After 3 weeks?

The tracker had worked. As soon as your little blip came up on the map, Wanda felt such relief that she almost fell to the floor and cried. But that was where the good news stopped. 

That little blip was where Hydra’s biggest compound was. SHIELD had known about it for ages, but they were reluctant to try and attack it. There were thousands of soldiers, thousands of guns, and more security than the Avengers had ever seen. It was basically impossible to capture. Even with the whole team, someone was bound to get hurt. 

For the past three weeks the team had been collecting every bit of information that they could from Hydra agents. Some of it was useful, but a lot of the time the agent would either not know anything, or they would kill themselves before they let anything slip.

Wanda was pushing to attack as soon as possible but Steve wasn’t agreeing, 

“We can’t endanger anymore lives Wanda. I know you care about them but we can’t run headlong into danger until we know more. I’m not risking any more of your lives. We’re lucky SHIELD is even letting us do this,”

They were almost ready, but they still needed information on the inner security of the compound and the guard shifts.

Steve looked at Wanda, searching her face, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Wanda felt herself break a little more and she silently shook her head, letting the tears fall as Steve hugged her tightly. She sobbed into his shoulder, his hands rubbing her back soothingly.

Her voice was slightly muffled when she spoke, “I’m scared,”

Steve nodded, “We all are,”

————————

You couldn’t remember the day it was, the time, the month, the year. You could barely remember your own name. Reality was slowly crumbling around you. 

You weren’t sure what was real anymore. After the reality tests, you didn’t trust anything, every sound, every feeling. What if none of it was real? Your sanity was being threatened and at that moment, in your cell, you could feel some of your hope fading. Tears fell from your eyes and you huddled closer to the corner, hiding in the shadows.

And just like clockwork (If you had a sense of time) you were dragged to yet another room. It was different each time, different turns and different people. But one person stayed the same. Grumpy - Dr Weiss was always there, asking you questions. 

Today seemed different though, there was a chair in the middle of the room but it wasn’t like the ones that you had been in before.

It had armrests and a headpiece that fitted around your head neatly. The armrests supported your arms as you were forced into the chair and strapped down. 

A rubber mouthpiece was shoved into your mouth and before you could protest, pain ripped through your body. It felt like a hammer was being struck right on your forehead and at the same time, like a massive weight was slowly crushing your head.

The world faded, changed.

You gasped for air as you sat up straight. You were tangled in fabric and you struggled to free yourself before falling off of whatever you had been lying on. The ground was wood, it looked familiar and you were confused until you realised where you were. 

Your room was dark. It was night. The blanket around you was damp from your sweat. Your clothes were cold as they clung to your skin. 

It was a dream. It had felt so real. You pinched your arm to make sure that you were awake.

You got up and exited your room. You wanted to find everyone and just make sure that they were still there. You felt weird but you told yourself that it was just from your nightmare. And yet, you couldn’t shake the feeling like it had been real. But you were right here, home, it had just been your imagination. 

You stepped into the kitchen. It was empty. There was no one around. You walked through the rest of the compound, trying to find your friends, but it was like they had disappeared off the face of the earth. 

“JARVIS, where is everyone?” There was a crackle and then JARVIS’ voice came through, glitching slightly as he spoke. 

“They are all schhhh,” you frowned.

“What?”

“Sorry, my systems seem to be malfunctioning slightly. I said, they are all dead,” 

Your heart stopped beating. What.

“What? What do you mean?”

JARVIS crackled for a few seconds before responding.

“It appears that you killed them,” 

You backed away from the kitchen and JARVIS’ crackling voice, turning to go and find the others. If this was Tony’s idea of a joke, he would get his own joke in the form of a black eye. 

You stumbled outside and saw your worst nightmare. Everything was in flames. The quinjet had crashed and was now on fire. The weapons store had exploded. There were bodies everywhere.

You ran to the quinjet, praying that they were alive. You wrenched the doors open and choked. You felt as if you had been stabbed. Your whole team, your family, was lying on the floor of the quinjet, dead.

You fell to the floor with them, crying out in pain. You couldn’t have done this. Please, don’t let them be dead, please, I swear I didn’t do it. 

You heard someone behind you and spun around. Fury was standing behind you with Maria Hill. Both had grim faces on and they had their guns in their hands. 

You jumped up and walked towards Fury but he brought his gun up to point at you.

“Fury, I didn’t do it, I swear,” Maria scoffed, her features turning hard like stone.  
“Tell that to the cameras,” she threw a tablet to you. On it was a video. You clicked play with a shaking hand and watched.

You felt numb, you were watching yourself kill your friends. It couldn’t be real, you would remember it. But somewhere in the back of your mind, there was a voice saying that it really was you. That you were the person in the recording.

You felt sick. You looked at Fury and silently shook your head in lieu of words,hot tears staining your cheeks. Fury stepped forward and produced handcuffs from his pocket. You didn’t resist as you were dragged away. Probably to be put somewhere where you would never escape.

The burning smell never left your nose.

————————

You woke up feeling numb. You were in a hospital bed, or so it seemed. Everything was bright and sterile. 

There was someone standing next to you. She had a face that looked as if it was trying to be kind, but it was more bored. 

The woman reached next to you and brought back a pad. She read slowly off of it.

“Subject 421, suffers memory loss and ptsd,” she lowered the pad and peered down at you.

“My name is Dr Paix, do you know what happened to you?”

You shook your head, still feeling slightly out of it.

“You remember the fire outside of the Avengers compound?”

You remembered the burning smell and the heat, you nodded.

“You had been drugged. It made you stronger but you lost your mind for a while. I’m sorry to say that none of your friends survived,”

The panic began to set in and you shook your head, feeling fresh tears begin to fall. It couldn’t be true.

“I’m sorry, but the only way that we can help is to help you forget. That way the pain won’t affect you as much,”

You barely registered her words as you were wheeled to another room and had various things attached to you. They were dead, everyone. All the people that you loved and you had killed them. What kind of monster does that? 

You suddenly felt warm and looked down to fine Dr Paix injecting something into your arm.

A sharp memory tugged at your mind and you tried to pull your arm away but you were held down by something you couldn’t see.

“It’s okay, it won’t hurt. It will take the pain away,” Dr Paix’s voice seemed to be coming from another room far away. 

You closed your eyes and felt everything lighten, and then the darkness set in. 

Your name. You couldn’t remember your name.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hahaha I suck at fight scenes I'm so sorry in advance also I didn't proof read for once but I'll probably come back and fix it (I don't make promises though)

Your arms hurt, your breath was coming in ragged gasps as you fended off your attacker. Your new handler had been brought in that day and he didn’t fool around. You hadn’t had a minute to rest since he arrived. 

You barely dodged a kick to your chest when you felt his fist connect with your head. The ground was ice cold as you fell.

“Again!” He shook his arms out, glaring at you to try and challenge him. “You need to be ready when they come for you,”

Fighting down a groan and ignoring the screams of protest from your aching muscles, you stood up and got ready. This time it took a little longer than usual for him to finally beat you down and this time it seemed that you had done well in his eyes. He nodded for you to rest while he left the room for a minute. 

The lock clicked as the door shut, the silence rang in your ears and you stayed on the floor, breathing deep to catch your breath. 

Your mind whirred, trying to fit together all of the pieces that you had collected over the weeks. Fragments of your memory. But it was as if someone had mixed two different puzzles together, you didn’t know which pieces fit and which didn’t. 

Subject 421. 

That was the only thing that you remembered. Everything else had perished when you had the accident. Hydra had saved you from the enemy when they had tried to kill you. The Avengers, according to Hydra, were merciless, cold, calculated. They were everything that you had been trained to stop. And now they were coming to finish the job. 

The job that they had started 4 months ago. You remembered being tortured, screaming for someone to help you, and you remembered their faces staring back at you. You would never forget their faces.

That’s why you were being pushed so much. Hydra wanted to make sure that you would be ready when they came for you. That you would be ready to do whatever was needed of you to protect the organisation that you served. 

Your handler came back in and motioned for you to step forwards. You stopped a few feet away from him and stood straight backed, waiting for orders. 

“They’re almost here, get ready,” 

You were led out of the room to the armory where you were given a suit and weapons. The last thing that they gave you was a mask that covered your face. Walking out of the room, you passed a mirror and saw your reflection. Hydra’s symbol was stamped on your chest. You looked strong.

The lights in the corridors were flashing red and people were running to defend Hydra. You walked to the exit and stood before the door, waiting for your orders.

Your earpiece crackled and your handlers voice came through.

“They’re here. Kill them,” 

You stretched your shoulders and pulled the door open. The noises of the battle cut through the silence, the shouts of your comrades, the firing of guns and the impact of stray bullets on the walls of the compound. You could see the quinjet flying high around the area, probably for backup. They would need it.

You walked outside. The first person that you saw was the man called Hawkeye. You knelt behind a crate near the entrance and set up your gun, aiming your sights at the archer. You pulled the trigger but he moved at the last second and you only hit his shoulder. 

You swore and tried to shoot again but he had dived for cover. 

Taking deep breaths to calm your nerves, you looked again for another target. You found Black Widow advancing on a group of Hydra agents near you. You ran out barreled into her. She grunted in surprise and tried to roll out from under you but you kept her pinned. You threw punch after punch until you broke through her defences. 

Standing up, you straightened your uniform and dragged Black Widow’s unconscious form to the side. She would be a valuable asset. 

You heard someone yell out at you and you turned to find Scarlet Witch. She was dangerous, her powers much more dangerous than your own. But you knew how to deal with her.

You ran forwards and threw a right hook followed by a left uppercut. You needed to keep her on the defensive so that she couldn’t use her powers for fear of being hit. You kept pushing her back, throwing combo after combo, trying to break her down. 

Your arms hurt but you heard your handlers voice in your head yelling at you to keep going. But for a brief second, you heard someone else’s voice. Softer, lighter. You faltered for a fraction of a second and something slammed into your side. 

Iron Man lifted you off the ground and threw you to the side of the building. You could see him coming towards you again and you threw a grenade at him. It was enough to slow him down as it propelled him into the tree line, but he’d be back. You couldn’t let them take you again. 

You stood up and ran towards Scarlet Witch. You saw red coming towards you and-  
An explosion propelled you to the ground and your mask cracked. You could feel blood beginning to spread under it and you quickly removed it, wiping the blood from your brow. One of your comrades had thrown the grenade at Scarlet Witch, not seeing you running towards her. 

Your head felt like it had been expanded and there was a ringing in your ears. Everything felt hazy but a sharp voice cut through the fog. Your handler screamed at you through the comms, yelling to keep the Avengers from succeeding. 

Every muscled ached but you managed to stand and find the enemy once again. You threw the mask on the ground and advanced on them again. Hawkeye was nearest to you. You approached the archer from where he was sheltered behind some crates. 

His eyes met yours and confusion passed over his face as his mouth fell open. 

“Y/N?”

You didn’t respond, attacking him before he could say another word. You were relentless. Their faces loomed in your vision, the memory of them torturing you adding strength to your punches until Hawkeye couldn’t keep up. His arm was bleeding and you focused your attack there, his weakness. It wasn’t long before he was on the ground, hands raised, staring up at you pleadingly. 

They hadn’t given you mercy. You pulled your gun out to shoot him but another voice called out to you, the same name that Hawkeye had called. 

“Y/N!” You turned around to find Scarlet Witch running towards you, a few of your comrades on the ground behind her. The rest were slowly falling under Captain American and Iron Man.

Turning to face Scarlet Witch fully, you aimed your gun at her instead, firing until it was empty. You managed to hit her in the arm before she could deflect the bullets. She let out a cry of pain as she stopped the other bullets from hitting her. For a second a memory stirred within you, galvanized by that same cry of pain and for the briefest second, it was almost like you could remember everything. 

You frowned, closing your eyes to clear your mind. But the same thought persisted. You knew her. Not from the torture, but somewhere else.

You lowered the gun and walked towards Scarlet Witch.

“How do I know you?”

Her eyes surprised you when she looked up. They were full of tears and they stared up at you with such sadness that you almost felt pity for her. 

“It’s me, Wanda. Y/N we’re friends,”

You clenched your jaw, furrowing your brows.

“We’re not friends, you tortured me. You tortured me and you never helped! You never stopped! We’re not friends!”

Wanda shook her head.

“Y/N please, this isn’t you. Hydra has done something to you. Please, Y/N, please believe me,”

You held up the gun again. 

“Why should I!” 

Her answer was cut short. Your handler exited the compound, his eyes wild as he advanced on you and Wanda.

“421!” Your eyes glazed over and you snapped to attention.

He stepped in front of you. His hand whipped across your face. The sound of the impact was sharp. You stayed standing. Wanda had tried to get up but she was quickly surrounded by more of your comrades. 

Iron Man and Captain America were almost done with the rest, you didn’t have much time until they came for you.

You handler grabbed the front of your uniform, pointing towards Wanda.

“What are you doing?! Kill her!”

You raised your gun yet again to her head. Your hand shook slightly, you felt out of breath. 

You could hear Captain America yelling out, running towards you.  
Wanda struggled against the agents holding her.  
“Y/N please, please,” She was crying now, her words shaking from her sobs.

“Please,”

The back of your mind, the voice that had been suppressed for so long suddenly exploded outwards. You were blinded by the memories that briefly flashed before your eyes and you groaned, clutching your head. Everything was too much, the light, the sound, the feeling of your handler grabbing your shoulders. 

And then suddenly he wasn’t in front of you anymore. He was lying on the ground where Captain America had thrown him.

Everything was flooding into your brain, you couldn’t breathe. 

Captain America slowly approached you but you backed away, holding the gun up.

“Stay back!” You couldn’t go back to them again. You barely survived the last time.

An animalistic instinct overtook you and you blindly attacked Captain America, fighting for your life. You tried everything that you had been taught. It almost worked. You were almost free.

But then red overtook your whole world and you felt yourself slipping from consciousness, panic constricting your chest as you realised that you had failed. You had lost. 

 

—————————-

 

Wanda hadn’t moved from her spot on the quinjet since you had been rescued. They had been flying for hours and she still hadn’t moved. The image of your eyes had been burned into her mind forever. You hadn’t had a single shred of recognition left. Hydra had stripped everything from you and turned you into their puppet.

You would have killed her. 

A sob escaped Wanda’s throat. A mixture of relief and sadness. They had finally found you, after months. But maybe it was too late. If she had just gotten there sooner or been there for you. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. 

These were the same thoughts that had been circulation Wanda’s mind since the day you had gone missing. And now that you were in front of her, restrained and unconscious, all of her worst fears had seemed to come true. Hydra had broken you, and if Wanda had only gotten there sooner, maybe-

Clint sat down quietly next to Wanda as she shook with her silent sobs. She buried her face in his shoulder as he hugged her.

“We found them Wanda, they’re safe now,” Clint tried to reassure Wanda but she shook her head.

“They didn’t remember any of us! Hydra had them for too long and it’s my fault,” Wanda’s tears were staining Clint’s shoulder but he ignored them, holding Wanda’s shoulders and turning her to him.

“That’s not true Wanda. They remembered you, I know it. They didn’t shoot me because they knew your voice. Hydra didn’t completely destroy them. There’s still hope, Wanda, and it’s because of you,” Clint sighed and hugged Wanda again, looking over at your still form.

“They’re going to be fine. I’m sure of it,”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale!!! (maybe some fluff) ;)

It took a week before you stopped trying to break out of your room, another two until you would talk to anyone.   
When you had woken up and realised where you were, you could feel the walls closing in around you. Screams had filled your mind, your own from your memories of the Avengers. Your vision had swum as tears streaked down your cheeks. 

You screamed until no sound could come out. And when it eventually returned, you repeated until you lost your voice for a week straight. It was then that you noticed how quiet everything was. 

There was no one coming to torture you, no one to interrogate. There was only the people who came to check on you, give you food, make sure you hadn’t hurt yourself in your animalistic attempts to escape.

Your room wasn’t a cell either it was carpeted, it had a cosy bed with windows looking out over New York. It felt homely. You slowly began to realise that you were somewhat safe here.

And slowly, slowly, you began to have dreams again. These weren’t like the ones you had had while at Hydra, these felt real. Memories returning to you. Like rain after a drought, slowly then all at once. Sometimes they were too much for you to bear and you would cry out for it to stop. 

In the tenth week, you had a visitor, someone other than the medical personal you had gotten to know. A kind looking woman walked into your room, raising her hands to show she wasn’t a threat when you backed away. She sat down on the carpeted floor, motioning for you to do the same. She looked relaxed, her legs crossed and her hands in her lap.

You slowly sat.

“Do you know who I am?” Her eyes shone with a fierceness, with a hope that you would answer correctly.

Numbly, you shook your head. Her eyes were familiar but you couldn’t place them. They were green.

Her smile faltered slightly but she continued.

“My name is Wanda, I was your friend before-“ 

“-Hydra,” You looked down at the floor, pulling at the carpet, “before Hydra,”

“Yes. You were captured by them, do you remember that?”

There was nothing but white when you tried to remember. Nothing but the dull emptiness that felt wrong. You knew there were memories that should occupy the empty space where they had been driven out of sight but you couldn’t grab them from their hiding place.

You needed to reach further.

“I remember white, and then I remember waking up to doctors around me, and then, I remember being tortured by-“

White was replaced by images flashing through your mind, a flood. Your heart raced as you finally recognised the woman in front of you as one of your torturers. She must have been trying to trick you again.

You scrambled away from her.

“Stay back!” 

Wanda didn’t move, her eyes followed you, a heavy sadness weighing her body down. Her jaw was clenched, trying to keep tears from falling.

“Y/N, they aren’t real. Those memories were made by Hydra to brain wash you,”

They felt so real, every cut, every scream, every face felt so real. Your voice choked as you barely managed to whisper back.

“But they feel so real, why do they hurt so much?” You sobbed, not bothering to move as Wanda reached to envelop you in her arms, holding you tight. 

Her touch was soft, it felt like home. A strange feeling overcame you and you held onto her tightly, scared to let go.

You could feel tears fall onto your shoulder and you realised that Wanda was crying as well. Looking up, you could see her eyes brimming with tears, her cheeks stained with drying rivers, the marks proof of her sadness.

Her voice cracked as she spoke, strained and tired,

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” She rested her forehead on yours, “I’m sorry I pushed you away, I’m sorry hurt you, I’m sorry for never saying how much I loved you,”

Your heart skipped a beat and you felt heat creeping up your neck at her confession. You didn’t have memories, but you did have intuition and impulse. Before you could stop yourself, you tilted your head and sealed your lips in a kiss. 

Stars burst before your eyes and you gasped, reaching up to place your hand on the back of Wanda’s neck, your fingers running through her hair. You could feel the cogs in your mind turning, breaking past barriers to grab new memories. Real memories.

You broke apart for air and you smiled, fresh tears falling now. But they were different than before, these were tears of relief, hope, happiness.

“I love you,” 

————————————

It took 2 more weeks until you felt stable enough to go outside again, back to the real world and all of your friends. Natasha and Clint both hugged you tightly, whispering that they were happy to have you back and they kicked ass for you.

Bruce gave you a pat on the back and smiled while Tony swept you up in his arms, giving you a big hug before letting go. 

Thor lifted you off the ground, much to the protest of your ribs, and laughed loudly in your ear, probably doing some damage. But it made you smile and you hugged Steve warmly when he came last.

You talked well into the night, sharing thoughts and thanks. And many laughs. You had missed your family so much and being back was like seeing the sun again after being in the dark for too long. It was so bright and overwhelming at first but then, after a bit, you felt yourself falling back into the same rhythm.

After a while it was just you and Wanda, everyone else going to bed. You sat, cuddling on the couch with the television running some late night show. 

You had your arm around Wanda and you rested your head on her hair, breathing in deeply. She smelled of flowers and vanilla.

“Thank you for coming to get me,”

Wanda shifted in your arms, looking up at you,

“I would have never stopped trying to find you, I’ll always be there for you,” 

You smiled tiredly, leaning down to kiss Wanda. Kissing her still felt so new and the fireworks that went off in your body were so strong every time your lips touched. You smiled into the next kiss. You had made it. You were finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all those who have read this story :) Every comment means so so so much to me and it makes me happy that others have enjoyed this journey as well xxxx


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